A Glance Beyond The "Husband Fluffer"

A few months back I wrote a post about how I am a glorified “Husband Fluffer”.  In case you haven’t read it, you can read it here.  In simple terms, I am a girl who will forever be the girl before the girl the guy marries.

Case and point, just a few weeks ago I received the great news that another guy I dated casually a few years back is engaged to the girl that he began dating not long after he broke up with me.  This brings my total to six or seven.  Some may say I will eventually have a complex, but I just say that I will continue to be awesome. 

I don’t believe that it would be fair to allow myself to have a complex regarding men I have dated finding the person they want to spend forever with.  I am the one who can’t commit to what I want for lunch, yet people expect me to be able to commit to a lifetime with another person of my choosing?  These people have got to be kidding me.  I am not knocking marriage, but to be frank, it is not what I am looking for at this stage in my life.

The older I get the more I see people getting married for the wrong reasons; biological clocks ticking away, because it is the “right” time and the worst one- financial reasons.  There may be love and there may be happiness, but when a couple tells you they got married for tax and medical benefit purposes it makes a girl wonder what in the world happened to getting married for the love, companionship, to care for one another- but then why do you need a government issued piece of paper saying you are bound to one another?

Timing can be the greatest and most easily used excuse known to a human beings.  Some people will never have the right time picked out to settle down for forever.  Others have been waiting their entire lives.  I am more of a "by the seat of my pants" kind of girl.  I don't think timing is a factor for relationships.  You could meet now, today and everything goes good then two months later things are not so great- you both go your own ways... Years later down the road you can stalk them on social media bump into this person again and start all over but it is different this time around as you are both different and ready.  

Maybe it isn't timing at all, maybe it is all about being ready?  Maybe it's really about the fear of settling?  I know I'm terrified to settle for anything less than what I deserve. I've gone through countless relationships that could have scarred me for life, they did affect me and at times I felt completely broken. Perhaps some did more damage than others, but instinctively I learned from them. The scariest part is learning you can and will love again although it's much like F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote- "there are several kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice."

I continue to go back to my thoughts on how relationships work- we all have baggage, we just have to find the person who's baggage matches ours so we can have a full set for vacation.  I have dated guys that are completely wrong for me, completely perfect for me and "Mr. Perfect on Paper".We were good, things were good, our baggage matched, we were in the mindset and on the same page, but "MPP" saw these similarities and raised his own red flags.  Flags that didn't have to be raised had he known I wasn't looking to run unless we chose to run together.  Looking back I don't think he was ready to be open or ready for what I was looking for.  I will always wonder how it would have turned out.  Would we have fizzled?  Stayed together?  Been happy?  "What ifs" drive me absolutely insane, I hold great fear in not knowing what could have been, because I don't want to look back on my life and think I could have missed out on something great.