Thursday, January 7, 2016

Dear Future Husband- Not the Megan Trainor Song

Did I even spell Megan Trainor correctly?  If I didn't, my apologies.  I am too lazy to check Google, so forgive me.

As I was sitting on my couch reading Elite Daily and Thought Catalog I got to thinking about all of these "advice" columns that are written about the 20 things you should do in your 20's and where to travel to next, how to tell if he is psycho or just in love, etc and I thought about what are the real things you would say to whomever you marry?

I don't mean the mushy, Jesus loving "I waited for my wedding night" or the exhausting " I always knew you would come to me".  What I am referring to are the real life nitty-gritty truths of what committing your life to one person would be like.

"Dear Future Husband (Significant Other, Life Partner, or whatever you are),

  I just want to let you know a few things, starting with the trash... You see you will NEVER be able to count on me to remember trash day or to remember to take the cans out to the street.  You will have to do this for me so we don't end up living in a dump.  For this, I will load and unload the dishwasher and almost always have a kitchen clean.  It's mostly for me because a cluttered dirty kitchen is something my nightmares are made of.  Unless I drank entirely too much the night before.  If that is the case you can guarantee there will be dishes everywhere and some food still left out.  I am only human and will inevitably be a hungover bitchy human the next day.

  When it comes to cooking, for the most part it won't bother me, but you will have to do the grocery shopping as I absolutely HATE the grocery store.  This will be all you, every time we need anything.

  I will ultimately get pissed at you if you don't do your own laundry.  I can handle mine and we are of the age where you should be able to handle that on your own.  Don't forget the detergent at the store.

  There will be days when I hate everyone and everything, consider yourself included.  The best thing you can do is go to the store and get me wine, because we both know I won't be stopping on my way home from work.  Additionally, everyone at the store will believe you have an alcohol problem, don't you dare blame me.  Yes it will be my fault, but it is easier to look at people and let them assume you are an in the closet boozer than it is for me to wear my wino badge of honor.  Don't second guess this, just do it.

  Until next time, let these things sink in."