Wednesday, June 17, 2015

I Thought I Loved You

So I don't know if you really notice, but I don't really talk about love and all that jazz here.  I don't know why.  Maybe because it is slightly awkward knowing my mom reads this blog along with my sisters (Hi guys!  I promise not to be too sappy).  Sure I blog about my dating disasters and I have had a few pieces about how every guy I have "dated" has gotten engaged or married, but I don't really talk about my feelings or anything like that.  Probably due to the fact that I don't really have any romantical feelings currently...

Recently I realized how fickle and funny emotions can be when relating to a person you are dating and eventually "love".  I put love in quotations because the last person I thought I "loved" I don't think I really did.  I had strong feelings but if I loved him, wouldn't I still love him?  I don't miss him, I don't even really think about him anymore.  I moved on with my life when I thought I couldn't.  Sure it took time but I have.  I can hear certain songs and not fall into a weeping mess, instead I think of the first time he played them for me and I laugh.  I laugh because I never really laughed when I was with him.

I sometimes want to say "thank you" for hurting me, because it was the best thing that could have happened.  I went places I never would have dreamed of going, because this girl hops on planes when her heart gets broken.  Having that broken heart opened the world for me.  No it didn't feel good and most days (in the beginning) I thought I was going to die and the pain would never heal, but it did and I came out stronger, wiser and in some cases more cynical.

I almost fear dating again because I was hurt so deeply by so many and that is hard to get over.  I carry those wounds that became scars with me.  It isn't as if I want to carry them, but that kind of hurt becomes ingrained in your character.  I sometimes wish I could go back to 18, when I had never been hurt and was naive to the world around me.
In the past two years since the last heartbreak and blow to my ego, I have grown as a person and things that I thought I wanted and were important have changed.  I don't need an asshole or an alpha male, I need someone who is going to make me laugh, a lot.  Someone who is going to embrace the quirks of my personality versus someone who points them out as if they were flaws and not cool.

As we get older, we change.  It is part of life.  We learn from mistakes that become experiences and memories and I am thankful for the change I know has occurred in me.  I no longer need the bar on Friday or Saturday night and enjoy the comforts of my bed by 8:30 pm on a work night.  I don't feel the need to party like a rockstar with shots of tequila (unless it's a special occasion) most nights of the week.  I am content with my bottle of wine and Netflix and if someone doesn't like that about me, to hell with them.  As I get older, I promise to embrace the person I am becoming because I have to live with her and those who don't like her are free to use the door.