Friday, January 31, 2014

Five Stages of a Break Up (dating diaries #4)

** Please be aware- I did not make any GIFs, I am not that talented.  I have never stalked an ex, nor been arrested, nor received a restraining order.  I do like to party, but refuse to ride on a wrecking ball.  All situations are strictly hypothetical as I have not seen a person's thumb actually fall off from texting too much!***

You may now enjoy!

I haven't done a "dating diaries" entry in a minute or more and I figured it was high time for a refresher of what we each go through during a heartbreak.

Let's start with a not so typical break up, because I've never had a down right normal break up. Mine have always been shockers, coming out of left field that left me reeling. Or there were the ways I broke it off... Not returning calls, saying I didn't have the "time", "energy", "patience" for a relationship, the doozie- "when I kiss you, well there isn't anything... It's like lukewarm spaghetti and nobody likes lukewarm spaghetti". What can I say, I'm a classy lady with a bit of dignity. Anyways, back to the break up- it happens and the five stages go like this.

SHOCK- that "what the fuck are you thinking?" moment followed by the "where is Ashton because clearly I am being "Punk'D" and there was supposed to, eventually, be a diamond not a peace and you're out!" Or my personal favorite, "excuse me, what? No!  That isn't possible because, well I'm fun and smart and pretty and amazing, I mean clearly you thought I was amazing... So....What in the hell are you thinking?"  Followed by my favorite- "You are clearly disturbed.  No like really, because I am SUPER awesome and you have mental issues!!"

SADNESS- this stage fades in and out consciousness throughout the entire process and is normally the reason a person is able to consume a bottle of Jack Daniels and still feel the need to drink more. This is also the stage that causes the embarrassing over sharing of stories at the bar or the random benders you will frequently find yourself on.

ANGER- this stage comes in faster than Miley on her wrecking ball and makes you wish you had a damn wrecking ball! This where you may accidentally burn your favorite flannel because he wore flannel or there is always the angry drunk text or phone call where you scream or vigorously text until your thumbs fall off. "I hate you, you scumbbddjvfh fx" and then BAM!! your thumb just fell to the bottom of your Jose Cuervo margarita.


BITTERNESS- a general cloud of black follows you around. You hate everyone as they breathe air and how dare they breathe your air as they are scum. No one measures up to the ex. No room for rebounds. This is the stage in which a person throws themselves wholeheartedly into random ass projects in hopes they will wake up one day and not remember any part of the past.


ACCEPTANCE- you've finally decided to move on and not on weird random rebound way. You're almost as good as new and you're getting ready to dive back in, saying to your friends "Oh maybe that guy right over there to the left..."  You are letting go of the fact that your heart was ripped out and blended up and fed to scroungy dogs in an alley.  You are now ready to party my friend.

Now there is no specific time frame in which these stages last.  They may even come and go... For the first twenty minutes after said break up into the months after.  Just remember, psycho-ness doesn't win anything other than a night in jail and a pesky little restraining order.
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