For as long as I can remember I have shied away from any conversation having to do with marriage and kids. It's not that I don't want either one, but in the grand scheme of life, both are permanent fixtures once you have them. Like a tattoo.... What if you really love the angel wings and after ten years you're done? Sure you can have it removed but it is a long and painful process that is quite costly, leaving scar damage. A divorce is no different. And kids... Well you never get to walk away from your kids.
I have a massive fear of commitment. The reason I still have my Jeep isn't because I'm absolutely committed to it, it's because I never want to go through the car buying experience again. I don't like planning trips months in advance, because what if something better comes along? Or what if I am left to adventure alone?
I guess that means I am scared of being alone. I am not lonely and I do love my own company, but it isn't healthy to always be alone which is hard for an all or nothing girl like me. Maybe that is the catch, I have to have it all or nothing at all... Wasn't that an O Town song?
So how does someone with these "issues" decide what they want for their future? How do I know what I want? Do I wait for the timing to be right? I don't know. All I know is that I am at a stand still. I don't know that I want kids, but I do know that I want to find someone who isn't afraid to grab life by the horns and experience the rodeo of life. I don't need grand adventures, but adventures with the right person.