Monday, September 2, 2013

Numb

It's amazing how 36 hours after my life imploded, I am still numb.  Silent tears fall and I know I will be ok, but it is getting to the "ok" that is killing me.  My heart aches and my conscious tells me no normal person would have said the cruel things that came from his lips.  I know I deserve better and for the most part I have "closure" but I cannot escape the gnawing feeling that there is something missing. 

No one has the answers and I swear if I hear another patronizing "you have your life together, it's clearly him not you, you're amazing and beautiful" I may scream.  It has set me into a state of pondering my life and choices.  Was I ever this cruel to a guy I dated?  Is this karma for running away scared when the moments got too intense?  For brushing off other's feelings toward me?  Have I done something so terrible to deserve this cycle of gut wrenching heartbreaking relationships?

For whatever I have done, haven't I paid it forward enough?