Beer Spiller Dude

Lately I have been toying with the idea of online dating again.  Previously I have done it and I met some cool pen pals, but nothing really came to fruition.  I also was very lucky and never had to deal with stereotypical dillweeds of Tinder and Bumble.  Blame my low bullshit tolerance on that one... Bye, Felipe.

The thing is, when you have an amazing tribe of girls who are all single, you all complain and start thinking about all of you dating and doing this whole app dating thing together.  It can be fun, it can fill time while you all sit back and finish bottles of wine...  Your friends help with the superficial swipe and later help with the awkward first messages and in some cases (yes we have all done it), appear on first meetings... Safety in girl friends!

It all sounds like so much fun, right?  It isn't!  Dating is freaking exhausting, even more so when your phone is constantly yelling at you about your matches expiring.  The last thing I really want to add to my work, home, friend, workout schedule is a dating app, but I was at a loss and everyone was doing it, so I again downloaded Bumble and it was exactly what I described above... Torture.  Absolute torture.

I have been sitting in an internal battle over this whole dating app crap and honestly it is quite comical.  I really don't want to meet someone from an app.  Wouldn't it be such a better story to say we met at a bar when my sandal got stuck to his shit?  Or that we bonded over a mutual love of Bob Seger?  Better yet, that he spilled his pitcher of beer down my back?  Of course, there is always the bookstore or grocery aisle to meet as well...  

Recently my disdain of meeting on an app was firmly placed into concrete when a guy walked by me at a bar, my flip flop actually got stuck to his shirt ( I was sitting like a lady on a tall bar stool) and he spilled his pitcher all over my legs.  We ended up talking after quite a bit of shit talking about the spilled beer.  The conversations were laughable and the excitement of meeting someone new was palpable.  At the end of the night, we didn't exchange numbers and went our separate ways, but it made me realize that without a doubt, I DON'T WANT TO MEET ANYONE FROM A DATING APP!

I don't want this picture perfect image and filtered lifestyle.  I want to see the nitty gritty and find out your sense of humor and what you do for a living in our first face to face conversation.  I don't want to text for months on end and have those conversations fizzle and be left wondering why.  

I don't want app perfection, I want messy life experiences.

So thanks Beer Spiller Dude for being the reason I realized what I knew all along!

Subconsciously Superficial

I have gone a few million dates and up until recently I never realized some of the superficial things I have done to seem like a better fit for the guy.

Heels Vs. Flats-  I am 5'7" and when I wear heels I tend to feel like a total and complete Amazon.  This is fine when I go out with a guy who is at least 6 feet tall, but not when the dude is 5'9".  I don't tend to set height restrictions, but let's be honest, it is weird to me to be taller or even around the same height.  When I date a guy around 5'9" I find myself trading in my daily wedges for flats.  This might not seem like a bad thing, but bye bye cowboy boots with any heel and bye bye cute summery wedges.  It is probably better for my back and knees, but not my confidence.

Alcohol Choices-  I tend to follow the lead of what my date orders to drink.  It makes me feel weird to order a beer if they are just drinking water.  Typically I opt for a Bud Light over anything else, because it is easy to order, most restaurants or bars carry it and the guy will most likely remember this if there is a future date.  Yes, this is a test of sorts.  When I dated a guy a few years back, he knew I was a Bud Light or Budweiser girl.  He also knew the garnishes I drank with my beer.  While I didn't make it easy on him with the garnishes, a beer brand was easier than remembering that I prefer a vodka soda with a lime wedge and two green olives.

Comedies Vs. Action Films-  Let me first start by saying, I hate movie dates.  Each movie date I have gone on has had awkward moments, mostly with me falling asleep.  I can't help it, by the time Friday nights roll around I am exhausted and a dark movie theater is just the place to catch up on sleep.  That being said, if I have to go on a movie date, I prefer comedies, but I will settle for an action movie, because most men see comedies (not including Will Farrell) as chick flicks.  Action movies are never really high on my priority list, because well, movies are not high on my priority list.

I am sure there are other things I do subconsciously, but I haven't caught them just yet.  What do you do?

Netflix and Kinda Chill

It is no lie that Netflix and I are besties.  Netflix gets me through my treadmill workouts and when I am bored of watching shows I switch it up to Pandora.  In addition to being my gym cardio buddy, Netflix and chill dates are kind of the shit.  I mean I don't even have to get dressed up.  Thankfully and irritably, Netflix offers a wide variety, which means most of my time is spent deciding what to watch rather than actually watching.  It's a rough cycle, one that isn't bound to be broken any time soon.  In fact, 90% of the time I revert to watching shows I have already watched.

Gossip Girl- Who doesn't want to relive the pain of social awkwardness with Queen B, Serena and and the crew?

The New Girl- This show isn't over yet, but there is something endearing about going back to the beginning and having Coach be there, disappear, reappear and leave again.

Sons of Anarchy- Who wouldn't want to relive the biker drama of  "Sons"?  I mean hello hot rebel guys with some gruesome murder scenes in there.  Honestly, this is the perfect show to Netflix and chill to.

Blue Bloods- Holy Tom Selleck and his famous 'stache.  As many of you may remember, I have a thing for a good Hollywood mustache and that may be why I started "BB" all over again.

My Boys- Have you ever been the girl out of a group of guys?  Either way you will totally identify with P.J..  I have been the girl in a guy group and let me tell you this, there are far more shenanigans occurring than the show has.

Hell On Wheels- I loved, loved, loved Hell On Wheels, except the last season.  Another great one for Netflix and chill moments... Just don't spoil the Swed's demise.

Doing What I Gotta Do

Getting older I am learning things, most especially that societal norms don't typically work for me.  I tend to march to the beat of my own drum.  Society tends to tell you what to do and how to follow rules, but they are the first ones to judge you if something goes wrong.  Hint- they are not blaming themselves, rather they blame the person who something happened to for not whole heartedly following societal rules.

I believe that a girl can call a guy, that she can go after who she wants and if that doesn't work, the guy may not be right for her.  Suppression of feelings and following the advice of friends may seem easier, but in the long run, it is not your friends dating the guy, it is you.  We get so wrapped up in what other people think that we miss the signs of something sparking or not sparking at all.

I didn't realize how much I followed the advice of others and how much that skewed my thought process until recently.  I was willing to continue talking to Guy A who I had absolutely no interest in, all because Guy B fell off my radar and had been dating other people.  Guy B may not seem like the right guy to my friends, but the fact of the matter is my friends only know him through me and the frustrations I have felt.  Guy A and I will not be seeing each other again.  As for Guy B, he is kind of a dipshit sometimes.  Here is where communication becomes key.  No I don't want to always be the one calling and texting, but maybe I need to suck it up and take the few times he does initiate first as a sign of interest and just be open about my feelings?

I mean clearly it can't get any weirder than it already is.  Maybe something can come of it or maybe my heart will be blended up again....

I have a responsibility to myself to be and open and honest with the person staring back at me in the mirror.  I don't owe society anything.  I don't have to take the advice I am given, whether solicited or not.

Oh, Brad

I would like to introduce y'all to Brad.  Brad seemed like a nice guy, we met, exchanged numbers, texted and finally met up for dinner and had a nice time late last summer.  We tried to schedule a second date, but something about him working late and him getting pissed off about my schedule made it impossible to reschedule.  I actually never heard back from him regarding a rescheduling of the second date.   That was almost 6 months ago! I would get random "hi"s and that was it.  Well yesterday I got a "hi" and this what commenced...

This is totally shitty, because on all social media outlets he is in a relationship with a girl named Katie.  Now I am not saying they couldn't have broken up and he could just bad at updating profiles, but I demand respect and getting pissy and disappearing isn't going to fly around these parts.  Maybe he is licking his wounds, or maybe he found some other girl to entertain his bullshit, but it wasn't me.  

Guy Friend

There are different types of girls- guy's girls, girl's girls or a combo of the two.  My entire life I identified with being a guy's girl which meant I was always friends with the guys, playing dodge ball, tether ball or horse shoes.  I learned early on that girls can be drama and they compete quite horribly with each other...  What I didn't know was that those girls were in a completely different league.  Those girls are just trolls.  This isn't about them.

The guy's girl tends to be more at ease with dudes and tends to grow into the woman we all despise.  She talks football and cars, drinks a beer and burps without a second thought.  She wouldn't be caught dead at a girl's night and will most definitely get away with the messy bun, sweat pants, and raglan look without looking homeless.  These girls are the ones that guys look to for advice about dating, yet these girls would NEVER ask a guy friend for advice dating, because the guy's girl doesn't let her dudes know there is a beau.

The girl's girl is all about her girl nights, isn't in the market to make any guy friends because how could she ever find a guy to marry that way?  She is classy, put together and insists on wine Wednesdays with her gals because when else will they discuss the men they are dating?  These girls are the epitome of Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha and they have very clearly defined which lady they identify the most with.

The deadly one in the way of all relationships is the combo girl.  This is where I fall.  I have my girls and I have my guys,  I walk down the middle... I will burp with the guys at football on Sunday and come Wednesday bring a bottle of Merlot to girls night.  Girlfriends hate me and other women just don't understand the friendships forged.  The thing is, I would never trade my guys or girls for anyone and nothing is worse than when the two meet and don't work out.  Of course, it is a double standard.  As a combo girl, I am free to date the friends of my guy friends and I have.  While they didn't work out, it was also a good thing.  You basically get a background check upon introduction and your guy friends will have your back.  This is where having guy friends is a bit of a bonus of just having girlfriends.

The thing is there is a nothing wrong with having guy friends and it is shitty when women try to shame me for it.  I understand boundaries, especially when there are wives or girlfriends.  Honestly, it is sometimes better to have the significant other around so you're not responsible to keep him in line.  I also know that sometimes it is nice to be able to call up a guy friend and ask advice or literally just shoot the shit.  I haven't fallen into the cliche of falling for any of my guy friends so I truly believe if there are lines those lines will be respected and not crossed.

When a woman puts a wall up against men in the friendship zone, they are also putting a wall up when it comes to dating.  A lot of men in today's world want to be friends with women prior to settling down.  To some that may seem like a game, but to me it makes total sense.  Out of the guys that have asked for friendship first, none of them have ghosted me, none have broken my heart and more importantly most are still friends that I could call up to have a beer with no romantic involvement, because we know it just wouldn't work out.  These guys actually turn into amazing wing men.

All I am saying is, don't knock it until you try it... You just might find a best friend that ends up being a soul mate.

Serial Monogamist

We all know someone (or maybe it is you, but it isn't me) that is completely comfortable jumping from serious relationship to serious relationship.  Most of the time the serial monogamist (SM) never really processes what the downfall or ending of the last relationship prior to jumping into a new relationship.  This may not seem bad, but if you aren't dealing with your issues, how in the hell are you going to make something work with someone new?

Patterns tend to repeat themselves, kind of like history.  People don't change over night and if they do, there are normally some serious drugs involved.  When you don't give yourself enough time to heal, you carry more baggage into the next relationship.  Or sometimes (like me) you give yourself entirely too much time to heal and become picky and irritable, but that is a different blog for a different time.

In the past I have dated the SM type and it can be exhausting.  They tend to accelarate a relationship from "hi" to "let's move in together."  Men tend to think it is women who jump the gun, but let me tell you there are plenty of men who do it too.

Take B for instance.  He seemed great, we had a lot in common, had a great tinme out and about, BUT he was irritated about my schedule and only being able to hang out a few nights a week.  I worked full time, taught dance, and was a student... I honestly didn't have the option to change my schedule around to appease a dude I had just met.  It soon fizzeled and I went my way and he went his.  Surely he is shacked up with someone and it probably didn't take all that long either.

The point is that he didn't take the time to see if we really jived prior to becoming clingy and somewhat overbearing.  If there is one thing I can't stand it is a stage five clinger and someone who tells me what to do, he would have seen this if he had taken the time to enjoy dating and the getting to know you phase.  It is important to know the person you end up with, because if you jump from serious relationship to serious relationship, are you even taking the time to get to know yourself enough to see what you really want in a life partner?  Or are you perfectly content bouncing from person to person and never knwoing why things aren't working out.

Take the time to enjoy dating, even if it is a pain in the ass, because no one wants a lifetime five stage clinger.

That Time I Took A Nap...

Has anyone been so exhausted by life that they have fallen asleep right where they are sitting?  I have done it a few times at bars, restaurants and obviously movies.  Movies might not seem like a big deal unless you're on a date with a guy you really like...

I did just that a couple years ago.  I had been dating this guy and he didn't really have a whole lot of time for dating so when he would offer up a day and time, I jumped like a puppy receiving a treat.  (Sad and slightly pathetic in retrospect.)  I should have really said "no" but I went anyway.

I can't really recall why I was so tired, but the night was foggy and rainy and I told him I would drive.  You know, because I am a psycho control freak and like to be in control of my own destiny.  We made the treacherous drive down the mountain into the city.  We were about 20 minutes too late to see "Lincoln" so we settled on "Argo" which was even later than "Lincoln".  Looking back I should have suggested going to dinner instead, but my stubbornness would win out.  

I ordered a Diet Coke in hopes the caffeine would provide a small bit of energy to keep my eyes open.  We chatted and flirted prior to the movie starting.  Once it started I was really into the story line and thought it would keep me awake.  The last thing I remember was Ben's butt in his hotel room.  

Next thing I know I am being gently tapped awake during the airport scene.  I had a tiny bit of drool on shoulder and tried to play it off like I hadn't just slept through most of the movie that cost $15 to go see.  I will never forget the look on his face... He seemed to feel bad but there was a smirk too.  

It was awful!

This experience is probably why I dislike movie dates.  I mean I can barely keep my eyes open during Netflix binges!

Summertime Syndrome Or Benching?

When I was younger my dad told me that most people like to be single and carefree in the summer... Fall and winter were made for shacking up.  Well maybe not in those exact words, but you catch my drift.  Every summer those words pop back into my head and I find myself believing them more and more as I get older... As if dating wasn't hard enough already.

Let's take into account a current situation someone I know is going through- She met this (seemingly) great guy at a brewery a few months ago.  They texted and talked on the phone and things seemed pretty good.  They hadn't gone out because they are on totally opposite schedules which kind of sucks, but at least he has a job, right?

They went out had a great time.  He came off as super interested and they did date number two.  The night ended great again, however he would eventually pull a "Houdini" and daily texts turned into weekly texts with simple one word answers.  My friend called and asked me what is going on, I was at a complete loss.  All signs had pointed to he was very interested.  I even asked guy friends who said "maybe he got scared, but he has got to be interested because he is still putting forth an effort".

The more time that goes on and now that summer is upon us, I wonder if he has succumbed to "summer syndrome" or something worse... "benching".  He doesn't text her on weekends, only during the week, but all hours.  She says she is ok with it, because she just wants to go out and have fun herself, but I wonder if this is the new age of dating.

Have we allowed ourselves to be fooled into having fun over putting in the effort to date someone we are significantly interested because it is too much work to date?

Stop The Crazy

The other day in my office a couple of us started talking about dating.  I'm not an expert, but I am the only one that is "dating" (that's if you call Netflix binges solo on the couch a date) so it was sort of a funny topic.

I don't know how we got on the topic, but it was right there and so was the point that so many people are crazy. I have dated crazy and I have witnessed the after effects of a man who has dated crazy before he dated me. 

The real problem is that regardless of how a relationship ended, the effects the ex had on a person is now a residual effect they will carry into all future relationships.  

Ever wonder why guys think girls are crazy for constantly asking if there is someone else?  Well some guy somewhere in her past made her think and believe she wasn't enough.

Ever wonder why a guy doesn't fully trust the new woman he is dating?  Some girl in his past lied and cheated and he now brings that to the table.

Then there is just crazy.

No it isn't fair to constantly hold the mistakes of someone else against your new interest, but it's human nature... Once bitten twice shy and it doesn't even have to be with the same snake.

All I can say is, if you're crazy you should keep it to yourself, because you ruin people and they aren't able to move past your crazy into healthier relationships. 

Single Dad Issues

After talking with a friend over several glasses of wine a few years back, I came to a conclusion which probably makes me sound selfish and like a complete asshole, but here it is...  I won't date a guy with young kids.

To my single friends this might not seem so bad, to my married friends they probably think I am nuts; then of course, there are my friends and family that have been through this and it all worked out.

That is great for them, but not for me.

You see I am a late bloomer and I always have been.  I won't apologize for this, I grow on my own time, in my own way and I have come to find certain quirks about me.  One quirk is my indecisiveness of children (it is pretty much a strong no, but I believe in "never say never").  If I can't commit to a future with kids, why would I try to commit to a relationship with kids?

I have been there and done that.  I dated a good guy with a child.  He did everything for his child and I admired that, but by everything being done for the child I was constantly placed on the back burner.  It didn't really bother me until there were countless weekends cancelled because the mom had other things to do and dad was the babysitter and I wasn't down with hanging out with the kid until we were more serious.

Call me crazy, but I do not think a child should be introduced until the adults know the relationship is going somewhere.

I have also found there is countless drama in dating a guy with kids.  I know guys that used the new girlfriend as a pawn with their ex.  I won't be a pawn in anyone's game, especially not with a baby mama.

I fully respect the decisions of men and women in dating single parents and I often think they don't get enough praise, but for now that isn't something I am looking at taking on.  An instant family isn't in my play book currently.  I am still in the "being selfish" phase and when I start dating someone and it gets serious, I want to be able to book that plane ticket for a weekend getaway and not have to check custody schedules or get a babysitter.

I want to be free to run away and have my partner go to.

Cuffing Season 2015

Cuffing Season 2015 is upon us.  Unlike most people, I am not one to buy into the status of being cuffed.

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For those who have no idea what I am referring to, cuffing season is the time of year (mainly mid October through the end of February or the very latest St. Patrick's Day) when it gets chilly and crisp and singles no longer love the single life and settle into relationships.  They need cuddles and Netflix/ take out dates.  There is constantly someone to bring to family functions so your relatives stop asking when you will meet someone and turn the conversation into the awkward "when are you getting" married questions.

Notice how I used the word "settle"?

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To me that is what "cuffing season" is all about.  Sure the natural evolution of dating is to make progressive steps toward an end goal, but one should never, ever settle into anything.  Settling is far worse than caving to fear, which is something I am terrified of.  I am terrified of settling and knowing there was a different relationship I should have gone after that would have been worth so much more than having someones to "cuff".

My sweet friend Ellie is currently going through an internal war of cuffing versus settling.  On one hand, she has fun with the guy she has been seeing since summer.  On the other, she knows the "relationship" isn't right.  He seems like a nice enough guy, but he also seems pushy.  She has told me how she keeps telling him she wants fun and no strings attached and he agrees, but then pulls these crazy things (like come meet my family and my son) that completely throw her off.  If it were me, her advice would be to let it go, but for her, she can't seem to get that part, because he is a really nice guy.

Here is the thing, nice doesn't equal right.  Nice can sometimes mean settling because you were too afraid  to hurt the nice guy's feelings.  We can all agree that ending up unhappy is the worst thing a person can do.

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I don't buy into "Cuffing Season" because honestly I enjoy being alone.  Sure I miss out on the cute pumpkin patch pictures and the diamond earrings for Christmas but let's be honest...  It was either sweltering hot or freezing cold during the pumpkin patch and if things don't work out, it is the awkward "do I give the earrings back or keep them" question.  As for the holidays, I would much rather face down the demons relatives alone than with someone I only kind of like by my side.

Yes, I totally buy into the comfort notion.  If I am comfortable with you and can imagine lazy Sunday mornings or family functions with a guy then I know I should go after that.  If I don't, well it is a fling thing and that is about it.  So my advice to Ellie is to break it off and go try for the guy that you stayed up with until 3 am with Netflix and weird conversations, because that is the guy worth cuffing.

With that, I warn y'all... Don't settle into "Cuffing Season" for the sake of cuffing.

Anniversary of a Broken Heart

It's an anniversary, but not a happy one.  I wish I could celebrate the day I realized I was truly happy again, instead of the day you broke not just my heart, but me.  The truth is, I don't recall the day I realized I was fine, that I was moving on.  I don't like to harp on being broken, although it seems like I did for so long after.

I can honestly say that I look back on our time together and laugh and smile.  The pain isn't as sharp anymore and sometimes I wonder if my heart is healed.  Although I know it isn't, I also know you will always carry a piece of it everywhere you go as I carry you with me.

If someone would have asked me, I never would have said it would have ended that day in that way.  In my mind, we were supposed to spend so much more time together and in yours, we weren't.  You got your way and I didn't get mine.  I won't lie, I did think I would be the one to hurt you, but looking back I am glad it was the opposite for I don't want to carry that burden.

I am not angry anymore and I want to say it is ok...  It's ok that we aren't together, but the things you said still aren't ok.  I forgive you, not because you deserve it, but because I deserve to move on with my life without the devastating pain I once felt.

I have found that time truly does heal wounds and I am happy for the times I have seen you since and the conversations we have had.  Part of me will never fully understand why, especially when I think back to the moments I treasure and then I recall, it was every moment that I treasured and it is now time to bury that treasure.  It's not fair to me to continue holding on, to hope that someday our paths will intersect.  It's time to move on and if that means finding someone new I will or maybe I already have.  The beauty in realizing I am fine is realizing what I want my future to be like.

Tinder- What Have I Done?!

After much deliberation and lack of inspiration for the blog, I decided to try tinder again...

I am not happy about it, but I am also not embarrassed.  More or less frustrated.  I like to run these so called social experiences every once in awhile to see how bat shit crazy some guys are.  This go 'round I have not been disappointed in the crazy department.  It took all of  48 hours and a few random messages back and forth for the first crazy to appear.

First off, I don't give out my phone number and never more information than a standard area of where I live, I am silent about what I do besides blogging and I even warn most that their stories (sans identification) could end up here.  I am all about full disclosure when referring to the world wide blog, but I also refuse to tell them where I blog.  I like privacy, which seems weird if I am subjecting myself to online dating, or connecting.  That isn't the point of this post, sorry.

So let's call Mr. Crazy Face John.  John seemed normal and nice enough.  We went back and forth with banter, discussed our educations, and possibility of meeting up (yes actually meeting... eeek!  Don't worry I would have left every clue possible in case he was a serial killer).  Just yesterday we were chatting about cars and trucks and that sort of nonsense when I got busy doing stuff with my family who lives next door.  I started getting the "where are you?', "why are you avoiding me?" "I guess you are done" messages and I was like "woah bro, chill out, just hanging out with my family."  I explained that I am VERY close with my family and we all live next door to each other.  He went nuts.

Not just nuts, but fucking bat shit crazy....

John-"So I can't even come see you without the whole white trash clan judging me, and ultimately deciding that they hate me for some made up reason so that they can continue to control you..."

Me- " Yeah we are not white trash nor are we hill billies and honestly they don't control me, I enjoy spending time with them, but I am also an adult who can make my own decisions and I don't feel the need to explain myself or those decisions to you or anyone."

John- "Eh, I think I'm done.  White trash or not, that's weird as shit and the kind of situation where your family would dictate our lives. Prob why you're single.  Good luck though!"

Me- "Uh ok."

That was the end...  The real issue as to why this is so insane to me is because this guy already had a hypothetical "us" in his brain after talking sporadically for 48 hours.  Some people might find that sweet, I find it creepy.

He couldn't even be nice about it.  He chose to name call and judge the reasons why I am single.

The real reason why I am single is because I choose to be.  I could date an asshole, lord knows I have plenty of them in my past.  I could date a nice guy, but I am not looking for a ring or running down the aisle anytime soon.  I had previously found the one that I thought was my lobster, but I was wrong.  The thing is I can date whoever, but I still choose to be single with no bearing on family or friends.

Besides pizza, beer, Netflix and yoga pants are my Saturday night dates.

Ghosting....

"Ghosting" in direct terms is bailing out on the person you are dating with no communication.  Or rather, being too chicken shit to break it off, so you just disappear.  No more text messages, you change your voicemail to the generic one; by all account you fucking disappear into the witness protection world of dating.

There are many reasons why people pull the "ghosting" act: some are afraid to reject people, some are actually afraid of the person they are dating and others are lazy or just jackasses.  I won't lie to y'all, I have ghosted a few dudes, but they all had it coming and in all honesty, I made it look like I was "too busy" for dating when in truth I was "too lazy" or just not that into the guys I was dating.  

Yes, I am an asshole.

In all fairness I have been ghosted a few times as well.  The hard thing about it is small town living and the fact that you will inevitably run into a person you ghosted or ghosted you.  In some cases the ghost returns for more and you have to ghost them.

One of the best ghosts pulled on me by was by a guy who actually lived on my street and I had to drive by his house EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.  We went out a few times, it wasn't really anything serious other than hanging out and an occasional make out.  I went on vacation and came home to see his house had a for rent sign and another neighbor (who knew we were dating, or whatever) telling me he moved while I was gone.  I texted and even called (gasp) and never got a return call...  Eventually I found out he moved to another city but was still working here so needless to say, I still see him.  At first I was offended, but after about 5 years (I think, I am really bad with dates) I find it hilarious.  Like how hard would it have been to pick up the phone and text or say "hey I am moving, it's been fun"?

He actually is one that came back and I ignored.  It was about two years ago and I had other things (like mending a broken heart) going on and I just didn't feel like putting any energy into someone who disappeared so easily in the past.  That, and I really didn't like him all that much.. His voice was like nails on a chalkboard, ugh.

As previously stated, I am an asshole who has pulled the ghosting method a few times.  Most of these times were because I wasn't ready for the seriousness of where the relationships were going so I would stop responding to phone calls and texts.  It was easier to pretend nothing had happened and move forward with my life versus trying to defend the reason why I didn't want to date.  I was just being an immature brat!

I don't have an exact example, because honestly I don't remember with that much clarity, but I know I was a jerk and I feel bad in retrospect.  I don't regret any of the times I ghosted guys nor do I wonder what could have been, but that doesn't mean that I think "ghosting" is appropriate.

People need to snap out of their selfish, asshole behavior and step up to the plate.

"No" Said The Handbag

Well I did it... I tried to buy the handbag.

Sadly, the handbag has a broken handle and it didn't feel the need to make an appearance in my life.

It is ok with me.  So much time had gone by since the first time the handbag screamed "take me home" and I guess I wasted time cleaning out the closet to make room.  

Oh well, another handbag could scream out at me and I will be just as happy or happier to take that handbag home.

Here is the thing- you cannot expect people to wait around for you, but they should also respect and understand the reasons why "no" was the answer in the first place and if they moved forward in that time, good for them, if they didn't and are just being an ass, cut them loose.  

To Buy Or Not To Buy?

Last week I talked about missing the bus on something that I really didn't want to talk about here, but then I realized I don't actually have to tell you what it was and I can turn it into a simile of sorts...

Similes are the ones that are the same but totally different, right?

Moving on...  Anyways, let's pretend missing the bus was on a gorgeous leather Coach handbag.  You keep eyeing it and it keeps saying "buy me, buy me" and you think to yourself, but I will regret buying this handbag, especially at the high price and I don't like it that much.  So you go to Target and find a much cheaper version and think "this will do for now".

But it doesn't.

A few months later, randomly browsing the same Coach handbag jumps out at you again, but this time you are so downtrodden from the Target purchase that you have sworn off all handbags for awhile so you say "no" and walk away.

Then you see someone carrying your Coach handbag and you become slightly jealous, but then you remember you didn't even really like that handbag all that much and it was too much of a risk, so you say "whatever" about it and just let it go.

Again you come across the handbag and you get to walk around the dressing room, trying it out and you revisit the handbag multiple times just hoping it holds the same luster.  You decide it does, you think "YES!  This is it, I can finally have my bag!!!" But then you get scared, what if you built up this bag so much in you brain that you are now afraid to reach out for the ownership of the handbag.  What if the handbag really is a fleeting thought, but you have decided after months of deliberation that the handbag is for you and you feel stuck...  What do you do?   Do you finally get the courage to buy the handbag or do you keep revisiting it until someone else buys the handbag and it is done?

These are hard decisions y'all, like really hard ones to make.

I Thought I Loved You

So I don't know if you really notice, but I don't really talk about love and all that jazz here.  I don't know why.  Maybe because it is slightly awkward knowing my mom reads this blog along with my sisters (Hi guys!  I promise not to be too sappy).  Sure I blog about my dating disasters and I have had a few pieces about how every guy I have "dated" has gotten engaged or married, but I don't really talk about my feelings or anything like that.  Probably due to the fact that I don't really have any romantical feelings currently...

Recently I realized how fickle and funny emotions can be when relating to a person you are dating and eventually "love".  I put love in quotations because the last person I thought I "loved" I don't think I really did.  I had strong feelings but if I loved him, wouldn't I still love him?  I don't miss him, I don't even really think about him anymore.  I moved on with my life when I thought I couldn't.  Sure it took time but I have.  I can hear certain songs and not fall into a weeping mess, instead I think of the first time he played them for me and I laugh.  I laugh because I never really laughed when I was with him.

I sometimes want to say "thank you" for hurting me, because it was the best thing that could have happened.  I went places I never would have dreamed of going, because this girl hops on planes when her heart gets broken.  Having that broken heart opened the world for me.  No it didn't feel good and most days (in the beginning) I thought I was going to die and the pain would never heal, but it did and I came out stronger, wiser and in some cases more cynical.

I almost fear dating again because I was hurt so deeply by so many and that is hard to get over.  I carry those wounds that became scars with me.  It isn't as if I want to carry them, but that kind of hurt becomes ingrained in your character.  I sometimes wish I could go back to 18, when I had never been hurt and was naive to the world around me.

In the past two years since the last heartbreak and blow to my ego, I have grown as a person and things that I thought I wanted and were important have changed.  I don't need an asshole or an alpha male, I need someone who is going to make me laugh, a lot.  Someone who is going to embrace the quirks of my personality versus someone who points them out as if they were flaws and not cool.

As we get older, we change.  It is part of life.  We learn from mistakes that become experiences and memories and I am thankful for the change I know has occurred in me.  I no longer need the bar on Friday or Saturday night and enjoy the comforts of my bed by 8:30 pm on a work night.  I don't feel the need to party like a rockstar with shots of tequila (unless it's a special occasion) most nights of the week.  I am content with my bottle of wine and Netflix and if someone doesn't like that about me, to hell with them.  As I get older, I promise to embrace the person I am becoming because I have to live with her and those who don't like her are free to use the door.